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Friday, October 31, 2003 usually i wouldn't put this kind of joke mail up on my blog because they are mostly rubbish. this, however, is not! thanks Pete (and happy birthday dude!) Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel . . . 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag . 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect! Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1) Wait 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. 6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. 8) Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. . 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make ? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look ? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " -occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. 2) Stir. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5) Do NOT change. You have no time. 6) Go directly to work. Test 15 Go for a drive, but first. . . . 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. You are now ready to have kids! posted by Ant | 11:36 AM | Tuesday, October 28, 2003 i'm kinda workin' on something... how much i moan! i've been thinking about it for a couple of days and i think i'm a bit of a whinger. email me honest comments please. posted by Ant | 11:47 AM | Monday, October 27, 2003 sigh - was my first day in my new job today. it wasn't too bad but i am so so tired; mentally exhausted and worn out. it was a pretty surreal day. i got there OK which was good and first i was in Featherstone which is the speech therapy dept bit, so that was just filling in forms really. that bit was fine, just slightly strange thinking "hmmm, i work for Wakefield now not Barnsley". then i went over to the SureStart office bit. this is where it all got a bit stranger for me and a lot more daunting. to put it all in perspective, i have to tell you a bit about what Barnsley was like: in Barnsley i worked in the SLT department with a load of other speech therapists. there was a big room which had a table in the middle of it which we all sat round; there were a couple of computers at one end of the room which we all shared; in terms of what i did - a caseload of children was given to me and i went into school to see these children, wrote reports and programmes for them. so, back to Wakefield..... i went into the SureStart office and met the admin support person who took me into this massive room which had 3 desks in and said "this is your desk" - amd there was a desk for me with a computer on it and a telephone - this may sound very bizarre to those of you who work in an office, but i was completely stunned; it hadn't occurred to me that i'd have my own desk, computer and telephone. and it was nice, but also a little scary cos it made me wonder what on earth i was going to be using it all for! and then there was lots of talk of me writing policies and referral forms, AND there's going to be a children's day in a month (fab) at which i have to hold a workshop for parents on "something" to do with language (not so fab!). Again, this may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but it's the kind of thing that in Barnsley we would have been doing in a team and would have been given about 4 months to plan it. i guess it's just a completely different way of working (but i am a bit scared). i'm really glad that i messed the interview up so that me getting the job is so obviously from god cos i can keep standing on the fact that he must know i can do it (cos if left to my own devices, i wouldn't be sure!) i'm hoping the tiredness is simply down to it being the first day. it made me sad that when i got home, i found it hard to have the energy to play with ben. i want to end on a positive note. our weekend away in Calver was AMAZING. So relaxed and lovely and chilled and yummy. and ben was absolutely fine at the cornells. and i didn't worry about him (much). so must go. think i can just about handle reading my book and going to bed. see you all soon, love you all loads. Caroline posted by Caroline | 8:52 PM | Wednesday, October 22, 2003 the gig was fantastic - i took some kick-ass photos and here are a few... click on an image for the big picture!
2 things. email's up again and SI WILKINS IS GOING TO DIE! yes, mister elusive above managed to have a blog for a couple of months and then he actually DARED me to find him without the address. well i flippin' did didn't i. and it took me 3 minutes. yes, i'm good. thank you. anyway, he can't get away with this so he's now included in my blogging pals down there on the left. hehehe >:) posted by Ant | 10:21 PM | email's down on fishpie.net for a day or so. use one of my other addresses for the time being - cheers posted by Ant | 9:20 AM | Monday, October 20, 2003 happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy bir... BANG! download the proof... posted by Ant | 6:00 PM | Sunday, October 19, 2003 that was just the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! not only did loads of people turn up, we had some awesome fireworks and i even won an auction on ebay for a piece of recording equipment (saving £80!) that will mean LOFTER>> can record without having to hire out a studio!!! praise God! thanks for everyone who came... it was really special :) posted by Ant | 10:51 PM | Saturday, October 18, 2003 and for caroline...  My inner child is ten years old!
 My inner child is sixteen years old!
just had a thought... one of satan's biggest weapons is deceit (he's best known as the deceiver). well i was thinking about our 'western' society which highly values acceptance of all things and ways of life. following Jesus there's NO WAY we can be 'accepting' in this way and at the moment if we take a stand, it's frowned upon greatly. so is 'acceptance' a sign of an advanced society? no - it's the enemy's war tactic. there's a loop hole though: if we stand strong in God and his ways and don't waver then he can use us. stand strong people... together! and remember we've already won :) posted by Ant | 11:29 AM | Friday, October 17, 2003 oh boy... i wish i could fly anyway, i'm heading for 29 - only a couple of days of being 28 left now. that's great! i can't be bothered to be 28 any more - i've been 28 for a whole year now and 29 is a lot closer to 30 (which is great by the way). 30's gonna be really cool - i know people slag it but i'm really excited! that makes me think: on sunday, i'll be in my 30th year - HOORAY! i hope (if you're near) that you can come to my brithday party on sunday night (8pm: fireworks, alcohol, cigars) coz it'll be cool. laters. posted by Ant | 1:26 PM | i'm afraid it's just on with the slog at the moment for me. how are you? posted by Ant | 11:39 AM | Monday, October 13, 2003 ben just stepped in dog poo in a park so we brought his wellies home in a bag. i decided to tackle the problem by using my garden hose to spray the bottom of the boots to clean them. well get this... i was facing the boot with the hose and when i pulled the trigger, the spray off the boot went all over me and i found myself covered with water and small bits of......... i think you can guess the rest. i've just got out of the shower and the clothes are heading into the washing machine. caroline's been laughing about it as soon as she knew and that was 5 minutes ago. gutted but have a laugh on me anyway. i don't mind ;) posted by Ant | 12:24 PM | Thursday, October 02, 2003 aww maaan - ben's dead cute - he's coming on nicely as a person. you can see so in this movie where he names the people in the photo - genius! right click to download - it's about 5MB... I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT posted by Ant | 3:24 PM | |
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